Our sweet 93 year old mom fell and broke her hip 2 weeks ago. Since that time I have been walking around with a slight color of green tinting my face. You see, I run from medical issues involving anything below the waist not to mention hospitals and most of all the talk you have to hear in hospitals. I was the girl who passed out and walked into walls when I had blood drawn as a kid. Of course, all that changed when Alyrose came along and took over the passing out role, I had to stop passing out so I could catch her when she was passing out. And please don't ask me personal questions about my body and some of the things it does. I DO NOT SPEAK ABOUT IT AND I SURE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOURS EITHER. I may be wrong but I don't believe any of those "things" happened until after our dear sister of long ago Eve had to eat that fruit. Why oh why Eve did you fall for it, there were plenty of other trees that you had been enjoying???? It was all so beautiful before. There was no need to talk about "bodily functions", I just want to believe there were none. I think right after God cursed the serpent he turned the forbidden tree in the middle of the garden into a prune tree???? Sorry Robin, I know you married a weird O, I just can't turn it off.
Anyway, getting back to Mother, and more about her later, we spent 4 days in the hospital in Fredericksburg and now rehabing for a couple of more weeks before we can break her out of there and get her home. But while we were there, I had to endure more talk and more listening to "that subject" than I ever want to endure again. And the dreaded subject is, if I must say it, gas, tee tee, and big potty. Does everything in the hospital have to be measured by these things? Can't they just be satisfied by your temperature and blood pressure? It's like people are casually talking about the weather," good morning, nice day outside, isn't it? " But in the hospital, it's like"good morning, have you had a you know what today?" Such a personal question. All the while, I'm turning green and want to run out screaming with my hands over my ears yelling LA LA LA LA LA!!!!!!
Growing up, we didn't make "noises" and laugh or have contests to see who could make the biggest "noise". My dad was a true gentleman and didn't think crassness was funny nor does my husband. When my dad was really naughty he would tell the story of his uncle who would say pull my finger ( you all know the result of that) and then daddy would giggle like a girl and mom would say, " Oh Bill", but that was the extent of that kind of talk. I'm grateful for that. Why is that subject so funny? I don't get it but I'm glad I have a husband who agrees and hasn't taught our boys to embarrass themselves and others by thinking that is funny to do in public. (Boys you'd better not be doing that!!!!!!!!) Ok, so I'm completely rambling.
Bottom line, I'm completely grossed out by all subjects that have to do with the lower half of the body. #1, #2, #3 and #4- don't want to hear about it, discuss it or even think about it. The subject brings greeness and repulsion immediately so needless to say, hospitals are not where I choose to stay. But because I would do anything for my mom, I volunteered for the first 2 nights in the hospital. I forgot to ask for the sound proof room so unfortunately I was privileged to hear everything going on in the rooms on either side of mom. I will also say that both occupants of the adjourning rooms were men and we all know what babies men are. Moaning and groaning while my little mom doesn't utter one sound after having a rod hammered into her hip, well except the small detail when she decided to rip out her IV, gently lay it on the bed and look at me and ask who I was. It was me doing the moaning and groaning then. Wow mom, that was so rude of you, how could you forget your middle child?
The guy on one side of the wall was a moaner so I had to listen to that all night long bringing on my need to "throw out" instead of up, as one of my kids used to call it. I acknowledge the fact that I sound really merciless right now but really guy, just suffer in silence please, there are people trying to sleep. The guy on the other side was a real big mouth. I could hear everything he said and let me tell you, I know more about that guy than anyone ever needed to know. I finally had to sneak over and have a peak at him. He was always bellowing and telling about his different hats he wore among other unspeakables. The day I stole a glance into his room he had on a hot dog hat with a giant wiener on it. He must have been from the back woods of Fredericksburg judging by his grammar. Again, I'm sorry for my absence of mercy, I'm sure all of this will happen to me when I'm old because I'm a judger. Some of his lovely comments to the nurse were............please don't read this out loud to your children, they are easily influenced and it will be repeated one day when you least expect it.........." Am I peein okay? " or how about this " I didn't pass no gas ". Then there was the other conversation that was heard between the nurse and the moaner--Nurse: "PLEASE, do not pull that out. If you pull it out, it will bleed and your pee pee will not close up and you will not be able to control your pee any more because it will open your pee pee up so you can't feel it anymore. So PLEASE PLEASE don't pull that out." or this one, NO FORGET IT, IT IS JUST TOO OVER THE TOP TO REPEAT. I'VE OFFENDED ENOUGH OF YOU NOT TO MENTION THE HORROR OF RETELLING IT.
So you now know why you were warned not to read this post if you are as grossed out as easily as me. Please forgive me if I have totally offended you all and you never want to see or hear from me again. I just needed to share my pain with someone and that someone is YOU.
LAUGHTER IS GOOD MEDICINE.
